OMG, BFD, S.O.S. -- We're Live-Bloggin' the VMAs!!

Circa 8:06 P.M. ...

Rachel: Lady Gaga and Kermit the Frog just arrived. I...don't know what that means. And how we have shakira talking about hanging out in a cage for the "she wolf" video. It's funny to hear shakira talking about how lady gaga is so great since her "she wolf" is totally influenced by lady gaga. So the big rumor that's going around about this -- and I have to say this is pretty exciting for MTV -- is that Lady Gaga might reveal her alleged penis (since she is allegedly intersex/hermaphrodite) in her performance. it's also most certainly not true.

Circa 8:20 P.M. ...

Rachel: Twitter mention! Drink!
Mike: Twitter!
Rachel: 521 tweets in 30 seconds for gaga! does that mean..30 drinks? or 521?
Mike:
Rachel: BUZZ ALDRIN?! WTF! Buzz Aldrin just said "death cab for cutie" and it was so cute!
Mike: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOo6aHSY8hU
Rachel: "Buzz is the original moon man". Ohhhh. Now I get it. Matt and Kim win for breathrough video!

8:21 P.M. ...

Mike: We may be seeing history tonight. Cinderella's here
Rachel: Nah, that's just Taylor Swift in a post-pumpkin coach. She looks pretty. Nice dress -- it's very goddessy in a sparkly, one-shouldered kind of way.
Mike: Justin Beaver? Did I hear this name?
Rachel: Justin Bieber, not Beaver. Oh snap -- he's doing a fan shout-out and totally just screwed up her name.
Mike: OK, P. Diddy is onstage with Justin Beaver. Diddy's sunglasses cost more than my entire wardrobe.
Rachel: Tweet! Drink!

Circa 8:50 P.M. ...

Mike: OK, so we still got the preshow going. Febe Dobson is talking about her VMA outfit
Rachel: Fefe. Haha
Mike: Hahahaha
Rachel: OMG! Pink and Shakira were wearing the same dress!
Mike: So Fifi Dobson is dressed in plaid because she's Canadian apparently
Rachel: Yes, it's mandatory there. Also "tweet"! Drink!
Mike: Running out of Woolite here.
Rachel: Yum! Woolite!
Mike: Jennifer Lopez is on the red carpet. She looks great in a -- wait that dress has a weird bottom.
Rachel: Right now they're announcing the VMA for Best Video that Should Have One -- new "fake" category. Beastie Boys won!

9:03 P.M. ...

Rachel: The show's starting!
Mike: OK folks the VMAs have started.
Rachel: Madonna is opening, announcing Michael Jackson tribute and doing it with all their similarities -- both from Midwest, both have 8 siblings, etc. Wow, this is kind of daring -- all about his lost childhood and subsequent obsession with it. "Michael Jackson was a hero … Girls fell in love with him, boys fell in love with him. He seemed other-worldly, but he was a human being." Now she's talking about a dinner Madonna & Michael had together to get to know each other. She tried to get him to say bad words and drink wine!
Mike: She's showing him to be a human being
Rachel: This is actually quite lovely, even if Madonna is not really the most reliable narrator. She's really hitting the nail on the head -- she's managed to survive as a celebrity because she was allowed to have a childhood and be who she wanted. She feels like she -- and all of us -- abandoned him.
Mike: No one has said this stuff yet.
Rachel: Totally -- at least not anyone famous.  "There's a whole lot of crotch-grabbing and moon-walking going on in my house right now." says Madonna! The crowd loves it.
Mike: Madonna's given a real nice eulogy.
Rachel: Yeah, I'm not sure they always got along, but it was really nice. The tribute is starting
Mike: And now they are showing MTV's "Thriller" premier, with the vintage MTV logo and VJ Mark Goodman (I remember that dude).
Rachel: And dancers on stage are reenacting it in various Michael outfits. Kinda cool. Now it's "Bad" -- same idea
Mike: So far a tribute Michael would like.
Rachel: Video in back, dancers in front. It's like a million MJs on the screen/stage. Eerie and cool. Now they're doing "Smooth Criminal." Now it's "scream"! I think? And maybe Janet will come out now?
Mike: You can kind of feel everybody waiting for Janet
Rachel: Yep, there's Janet! Just busted out.

Mike: She enters and is dancing hard.
Rachel: Lip-synching to Michael's vocals. Now she is dancing on stage in front of video of him dancing! They are doing the same moves. Whoa... I got chills
Mike: Yeah I admit I got 'em too.
Rachel: No Beat It? No Billie Jean?
Mike: Yeah too short.

9:15 P.M. ...

Mike: Now some hot girl is covering queen. "We Will Rock You."
Rachel: Yeah, Katy Perry is singing "We Will Rock You." Russell Brand is walking out.
Mike: That's Joe Perry playing guitar.
Rachel: Haha. Russell Brand just intro'd them as "Joe and Katy Perry"! As if they were married. 
Mike: Oh Jesus that's his daughter?
Rachel: No, her name is fake -- she is the daughter of Christian ministers or something.
Mike: Oh phew.
Rachel: Hence the girl-kissing and banana-riding. Russell's announcing all the celebs in the crowd/scheduled to perform
Mike: When did slash stop wearing sunglasses and start talking with a British accent?
Rachel: Whoa pan to Lady Gaga who kind of looks like that girl with the neckbrace from "16 Candles." Oh no! He just mentioned her hermaphrodite rumor!
Mike: Brand is planning to lay the rumors to rest.
Rachel: Says "Just because she's sexy and a rock star, people say she must be a man. That's sexist!" That's actually pretty spot-on.

9:22 P.M. ...

Mike: First award being presented now. Best Female Video. Who's your pick?
Rachel: I'm leaning towards Gaga. But I do love "Single Ladies."
Mike: I want Pink to win.
Rachel: WHAT?! Taylor Swift?!
Mike: Wow.
Rachel: Sorry, but that's kind of lame.
Mike: Upset! Taylor Swift takes it!
Rachel: Kanye is up and yelling at Taylor Swift! Whoa!
Mike: Wow first Kanye scene…
Rachel: "Taylor, I love you, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!" What is happening?! Kanye, that kinda crosse s line. Please limit your crazy to your own nominations.
Mike: Kanye just grabbed the mic and yelled that. Taylor Swift got cut off and was led off stage. The poor kid.
Rachel: I know! I mean, he's right, but you can't get up and yell that onstage in front of her!
Mike: That guy's a dick.
Rachel: Yeah I often kind of appreciate his crazy candor -- like he doesn't even attempt that weird celebrity polish. He's a diva in the truest sense. But that was just mean-spirited.

9:33 P.M. ...

Mike: OK we're back. waiting for kanye to do more weird stuff. Russell brand trying to smooth over the situation. Best rock video next. Jack Black onstage with huge fake muscles and a woman I can't identify.
Rachel: That's Leighton Meister, she's a Gossip Girl.
Mike: Jack Black now praying to "Dear Dark Lord Satan." Nominees: Coldplay, Fall Out Boy, Green Day, Kings of Leon, Paramour. No rock bands there. Green Day wins
Rachel: Oh geez, here comes the old man rocking! Come on, Paramour rocks! And even you old rocker types love Green Day don't you?
Mike: I am old but no, I don't like green day.
Rachel: Billie Joe pulls a Justin Timberlake and asks MTV to play more videos in his acceptance speech. Oh, Mike! Here comes that Beaver kid again! Seriously, who is that kid?
Mike: I think HE's Joe Perry's kid.
Rachel: Now Taylor Swift has to perform -- like everyone who comes out is giving her a shout-out. Unfortunately, she's performing in a subway station. Which is kind of embarrassing. Taylor and a big group of extras in prom dresses are running up through the subway platform and into Radio City Music Hall to finish the performance there. OK, it's kind of cute.
Mike: It is I admit it.
Rachel: I think she's really singing too. Also bold with all that running.
Mike: She is definitely really singing.
Rachel: She's going to be the belle of the ball with all this.
Mike: Taylor Swift keeps her mouth shut and performs live. A professional all the way.

9:47 P.M. ...

Rachel: Oh we're back. 3Oh!3 is performing. Pete Wentz is presenting. Dang, he is so short!
Mike: Now some children are presenting an award.
Rachel: No, that's just Pete Wentz. He's like my age. Lady Gaga is a-coming! She's
opening with a dramatic, like, interpretive dance slow version of "Poker Face." Holy Madonna does Vogue at the VMAs. Everything's white and like cyborg-Victorian-Mount Olympus on Mars. Or something...
Mike: Do you think the Madonna thing is an homage?
Rachel: She just did a big crotch-centering move -- no penis yet. Yes, I do think the Madonna thing is an homage. I think she's actually quite smart and postmodern.
Mike: It's kinda hard not to concentrate on her crotch.
Rachel: Totally. She just played piano with one leg up on the keys.
Mike: I just hope we don't have a Discovery Channel moment here.
Rachel: And now she is bleeding for some reason. I guess it's a reenactment of the video.
Mike: Lady GaGa appears covered in blood "Carrie"-style. When did MTV get weird again? This is kinda cool.
Rachel: Not MTV, just Gaga, I think
Mike: Well the whole scene is all one thing to me kind of. Like, MTV is letting this happen. It's a bit cynical of me but either way GaGa is pretty far out for a pop star.
Rachel: People are always saying she's derivative and critics kind of scoff at her. But if she's derivative of anyone, it's Madonna -- and she's doing Madonna better than Madonna these days. I also think she has her own edgier, artsy thing. I think people think she is a Madonna clone, but I think she's kind of edgier than Madonna. Or more in touch with like a queer/drag/avant-garde arts sensibility.
Mike: Definitely has taken Madonna into subversive territory Madonna never reached.
Rachel: Yes. Much better way to say it
Mike: But without Madonna there's no GaGa.
Rachel: True, but Madonna's whole thing was built out of recreating other images in her own image, so ... it makes sense no?
Mike: Yeah it's a cool like symmetry or something.

10:00 P.M. ...

Rachel: So we're back and seeing this weird Eminem and Tracy Morgan video thing that has something to do with the Best New Artist, but it's not very interesting.
Mike: Sorry I heard the words Megan Fox and got dizzy.
Rachel: And now Russell is talking about roofie-ing Megan Fox. That sucks. Not funny.
Mike: Yikes.
Rachel: Nelly Furtado and Kristen Cavalieri presenting together -- what is that connection?  Best Pop Video now. Got a pick, Mike?
Mike: I like the Cobra Starship band a lot.
Rachel: Nelly is announcing it in Spanish!
Mike: But am happy to see Britney win. I miss her.
Rachel: Me too! That is nice! Good redemptive moment for her. (In case that wasn't clear, Britney's "Womanizer" won Best Pop Video). I guess she didn't show up to the awards, though? That's kind of lame. Britney is kind of is synonymous with the VMAs.
Rachel: Green Day performing. I gotta say...I love Green Day but somewhere in every song is just a little bit of Dookie every time.

10:16 P.M. ...

Rachel: We're back with Pitbull performing "Calle Ocho." And now the Twilight stars are coming out to present. OMG Kristen Stewart has her cute Joan Jett hair going on! They are presenting the premiere of the extended trailer of New Moon. Oooh.
Mike: Apparently vampires are way better at s-e-x than just regular people. Is this an ad in between the ads?
Rachel: Why yes I believe it is, Mike! But it's being presented as a feature! I'm buying! Wampires are pretty!
Mike: I hope there's a long Mountain Dew commercial next.

10:20 P.M. ...

Rachel: Chace Crawford and Ne-Yo are presenting. Odd combo that is quite hot. They're announcing Beyonce performing!!!
Mike: In other news Pedro Martinez has gone 7 scoreless innings with 6 Ks.
Rachel: Good. God. Beyonce should just do everything. I would watch fly-fishing if it was beyonce doing it.
Mike: Beyonce has really weird pantyhose on.
Rachel: Yes! You're right! She's doing a weird slow version of "Single Ladies" and she IS wearing a bodysuit. Here comes the faster tempo and the Fosse!
Mike: Beyonce is so hot she makes my teeth hurt.
Rachel: I want to get glasses that just project an image of her thighs in front of me all the time. That's probably not appropriate huh? I think this is the best live performance so far. You?
Mike: It is but I'm surprised they've gone so long without a Twitter mention or Sprite ad.

10:29 P.M. ...

Mike: Did you see the booze PSA?
Rachel: Yes. "If you're not in control, who is?"
Mike: That's what I call "Tuesday night."
Rachel: Haha. OK we're back! Jamie-Lynn Siegler and Diddy presenting. Whoa that is QUITE a hot pink dress, Jamie-Lynn
Mike: Is that Puff Diddy or J Puffy? I forget.
Rachel: They just mentioned Kanye and his name got booed! People are now cheering "Taylor! Taylor! Taylor!"
Mike: I believe Kanye kinda stepped in it this time.
Rachel: Yeah. The award is for Best Male Video, by the way.
Mike: It may be a male category but I am voting for Rihanna.
Rachel: And you won! Or, rather, TI won. He can't be there because he's in jail, right? Diddy's accepting on his behalf.
Mike: Oh wow that's right. Too many British people with microphones here. I am getting a headache.
Rachel: I think I fell asleep.

10:38 P.M. ...

Rachel: Is Muse cool again? This seems weird to me
Mike: They were never cool.
Rachel: Yeah, I guess not. I like their drama but...this is kinda boring. Sorry muse!
Mike: They're basically Depeche Mode with guitars. Like all U.K. bands.
Rachel: Zing! Hit the British where it hurts -- in their Depeche Mode complex!
Mike: Nice shot coach, right in the Depeche Modes.
Rachel: Ok, here's that weird Eminem/Tracy Morgan video again. I have to admit, I haven't watched a single one.
Mike: BRB. I gotta text my vote for Kid Rock.

10:48 P.M. ...

Rachel: OK so here we have Jenny from the Block presenting Best Hip-Hop Video.
Mike: It's appropriate because didn't she invent hip hop? Eminem, Jay-Z, Asher Rother and Kanye -- I gotta hope he gets the mic again. Damn the white dude…
Rachel: Eminem wins! Kanye will be onstage shortly, I'm sure. No, no, the white dude is Asher Roth. Eminem is...Eminem
Mike: I like Eminem because he always keeps it real. It's important to me that things are kept real on a daily basis.
Rachel: DJ AM shout-out! Kid Cudi gave the first DJ AM shout-out. I can't believe it's only the first one!
Mike: So Beyonce is the only performer from the entire night that's been allowed to play a whole song.
Rachel: Oh yeah! You're totally right! Everyone else did a medley or had one of those shorty performances
Mike: They cut Kid Cudi off in mid, uh, rap.

10:57 P.M. ...

Rachel: OK, here we go -- Best New Artist! Here come Eminem and Tracy Morgan. They're presenting. And yet...I still have no idea what their video series was about. Lady Gaga should win this and Beyonce should win Best Video. Or Kanye WILL have something to say about it.
Mike: That's because Tracy Morgan is actually from another planet.
Rachel: Totally from another planet. Speaking of which...Lady Gaga won Best New Artist! And she's wearing her FULL-BODY (INCLUDING FACE) red lace dress! I ... think I love her.
Mike: Yeah she is cool.
Rachel: She just dedicated her award to "God and the gays!"
Mike: Great shout out there.
Rachel: And she did it in Madonna's fake British accent See? That's why I love her.
Mike: Is that Whitney Houston or Rosie Grier?
Rachel: I don't know who that is! (Not Whitney Houston). PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is blindfolded. And getting hoisted up in a harness. And THIS is why I love Pink. Whoa! Pink is doing some serious trapeze artistry. But...uh...probably not really singing. Or maybe she is! Holy crap!
Mike: http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/06/05/gal_actletes_grier.jpg
Mike: Rosie Grier
Rachel: Good Job! You didn't get so sidetracked you missed Pink's performance did you? Because...I think it might be beating Beyonce.
Mike: Yeah Pink is definitely for real. Wait is she on a trapeze?
Rachel: YES!
Mike: Is she magic?
Rachel: And hanging upside down! YES! Lady Gaga, you have been SCHOOLED! Also, extra bonus points for the Lil Kim asymmetrically covered chest outfit.
Mike: That was definitely the best song performed while on a trapeze I've ever seen at the VMAs
Rachel: TOTALLY.

11:13 P.M. ...

Rachel: Video of the Year! BEYONCE!!! Yay! We called it, Mike!
Mike: Haha
Rachel: Beyonce's heels are insanely high. OMG she just asked Taylor to come out and share the stage with her for the award! That is VERY classy -- total Beyonce move.
Mike: Very classy move.

 Rachel: She's a pro. Aw, Taylor's really giving her speech and she sounds so shaky and nervous. Cute! She thanked her little brother's high school for letting them shoot the video there. Aws!
Mike: Thank god a Twitter mention.
Rachel: Beyonce didn't even do her speech! Wow, she's cool. Yeah, Mike, we have not had a chance to get nearly as drunk as we should be. Disappointing, MTV.
Mike: Yeah this has been way more eventful than I expected. So one more movie trailer and it's over?
Rachel: Yes, plus Jay-Z, who is dramatically taking the stage to perform with Beyonce
Mike: Jay-Z is entering like Mike Tyson. Except for the pianos. This is where [Rhapsody Jazz Editor] Nick Dedina starts yelling "pull up your pants!" at his TV.
Rachel: This is not as exciting as Pink on a trapeze, but it is kind of cool.
Mike: They need to set the stage on fire or something.
Rachel: YES! That is exactly what is missing. That or a giant snake draped around one of their necks.  
Mike: We should have made our drinking game be Lady GaGa wardrobe changes.
Rachel: YES! That would have been much more effective! OK and we're closing with an exclusive look at the Michael Jackson documentary.
Mike: Everybody in the room I'm in has their eyes glued to the TV right now.
Rachel: Totally. That didn't really reveal much about/of the film, but it was still pretty cool.
Mike: Looks like there is much dancing. 
Rachel: And it's over!
Mike: The British dude makes one more arrogant comment and we're out.
Rachel: Thanks, Mike! I'm not drunk, but it was still fun!
Mike: Thank YOU. This was a blast, no lie.
Rachel: I think this was one of the better VMAs in years. Nothing like Britney with the snake around her neck or Madonna doing "Like a Virgin," but still -- Kanye gets crazy 10 minutes in? Pink swings from the rafters? An army of "Single Ladies"?! Pretty rad. MTV, more of the same, please. Less of The Hills.
Mike: Yeah best VMAs I've ever watched.